23 years old. London based. This is my space to express the things I wish I could say but it's better if I didn't.
4am girl talk with Kartika.
When we’re younger we tend to think relationships are about you meet someone, fall in love easily, get married and the struggle ends and you live happily ever after without any hiccup.
But this is so very false it’s unreal.
Yes you can meet someone and find it so easy to fall for them, but love definitely isn’t enough. Being with someone and making the conscious effort to do right by them, be the best you you can be for them is hard work. Love fuels the fire that drives you to want to do right by them so you don’t mind as much - but fanning the flames forever isn’t an easy job. when you place your heart in the hands of another human being you become vulnerable and put yourself at risk of getting hurt at any given moment; and trust me you WILL get hurt either in a big or a small way because when you’re dealing with another human being hurt just happens.
When you’ve decided you want to do this life journey thing with someone else you make the decision to decide to constantly work at and put mass effort into your relationship with that person, trying to be the best you you can be and make somebody else happy.
Too many people these days don’t understand the depth of what it is to really be truly involved with someone, and if you don’t know I suggest you stay out of it; all you’ll end up doing is fucking somebody elses shit up and making yourself look like a dick in the process.
If you don’t know yourself, love yourself or even know how to look after yourself properly then leave it out, because how are you meant to do all that for someone else when you can’t do so for yourself?
If a man/woman says they aren’t ready to be in a commited relationship with anybody believe them, leave them be and go about your business. I had to learn this the hard way, if someone says they are not ready then they are not ready, do not spend time trying to show them how amazing you are because you could be wonderwoman/superman and they still won’t see you for what you are because they’re not about putting in the real work that comes with being in a proper relationship.
I’ve never understood those who get into relationships with people they don’t really care for too much all for the sake of not being lonely, it’s such an EPIC waste of time, time that could have been spent making yourself amazing or having epicly good times you spent laid up in someone elses bed all so you can have someone you’re calling your boyfriend/girlfriend? I’ve never understood this, but because of the point i’m at in my life now I just feel deeply sorry for those that do this.
I’m telling you, this love/partner thing isn’t something to be fucked about with, choose wisely and don’t waste your time unless you know you’re standing and being openly and amazingly yourself with someone who would take bullets for you and shit.
Right now, I’m struggling to deal with myself and how I feel.
I want a relationship and commitment, but at the same time I don’t.
I want to have someone around me to share things with and grow with and really share something deep with.. but at the same time I know I’m not ready for that.
I’ve always been the kind of girl who loves love and has a lot of love to give, but I’ve spent so much time focusing on that aspect of myself and my life that a lot in my life has suffered because of it. I know in the past I haven’t put even half as much energy into my self development and growth and creative outlets etc as I have on my love life, when I have feelings for someone I mentally and emotionally exhaust myself giving to them and trying to do/be my best despite my mild crazy.. and if I gave my own self that kind of love and attention I would be so much further along in my journey right now. If I gave my art, my music and my writing that kind of love and time who knows where I would be, but instead I’ve given it out to those who unfortunately haven’t deserved it.
This year has been about so much growth for me so far, and it’s been about really facing myself head on and making the painful changes and addressing the issues I have avoided for so long, and it’s fucking scary and it’s painful and I’ve never had to push this hard in my life - but I’m trying.
I have had to face the fact that despite how I feel about being alone and being lonely, the reality is I probably will be so for a little while longer, and I have to be okay with that because ultimately it’s for the best for me, and I can really and truly use this time to be the best me I can be. My girl said to me the other day “finding deep love may happen today, tomorrow, in a few months or in a few years… but you need to address with yourself that if it wasn’t gonna come along for a few years will you make the best out of those few years and will you trust that things will be okay?”
I want the answer to be yes, because I refuse to wallow and be sad over what I don’t have. I want love my journey, and that’s what I’m gonna work my ass off to do, even during the harder days.